When i was on vacation in the Philippines last February, i was told that the mother of a friend died of cancer last December. A week before i left for Germany, my sister gave me an article written by this orphaned friend. It was about how she experienced the loss of her mother. This piece touched my heart that i asked her permission to let me publish it in my blogsite. Below is an excerpt of her writings.
CONQUERING DEATH
by Mary Joie Julian-Usman
Knowing my Mom Cecille is like embracing a waterfall. She splashes over with energy, excitement and enthusiasm for life and people. She’s filled with joy and encouragement. Her mind and wit are quick and memorable. We’ve all been blessed by her contagious happiness. I can still remember….
” Hello Ma… Merry Christmas! Kumusta ka na? ”
” Okay naman.. Kumusta dyan sa bahay? ”
” Eto nagluluto ako ng spaghetti saka ng apritada. Kami lang naman kya di na kami naghanda. Iba kasi pag andito ka. Kumakain ka ba? Kumain ka ha, pilitin mong tulungan sarili mo…”
” Kumakain syempre, pwede bang hindi?
” E kasi ikaw matigas ang ulo mo eh. Lagi mong sinasabi busog ka. ”
” O sige na, gusto ko na magpahinga, napagod ako kanina sa lakad namin ni Auntie mo. ”
” Sige Ma, Merry Christmas! I love you! ”
That was Christmas of 2005. Who would have thought that will be my last conversation with my Mom? I certainly didn’t. The next phone call we got was December 27 from our Aunt Laura, her sister, telling us that my mom couldn’t get up from bed on her own and couldn’t even write her name. And then another call the next day saying she couldn’t speak anymore.
We were all frantically loading our bags with our stuffs so we could set forth to be with her early the next morning. Everyone was crying the whole night. I decided to text my friends to offer prayers for my mom. I was talking to God all the time and i can’t even remember praying that hard my entire life.
” Please Lord, let us come to her and comfort her through her toughest time. Please, please let us tell her how much we love her. I am not asking too much dear Lord. If it’s her time to go then Your will be done. As much as i still want to go through everyday of my life with her, i don’t want her to suffer from pain anymore. If this sickness is making life hard for her, then i would want you to take her. Just please let us be with our Mama one last time. ”
I would utter the same prayer over and over while on our trip to Leyte. Silence would envelope the whole van with frequent sobs echoing the whole journey which for me was like never ending. And then finally after more than 24 hours of travel, we got there around quarter to 2:00pm of December 30.
My Mom lay in bed with her eyes wide open as if scanning the ceiling of the house. We soon realized she couldn’t see anymore. Her body so frail and she couldn’t talk except for sounds as if she was moaning obviously wanted to tell us something. It was NOT a welcoming sight at all. We all gathered immediately around her bed and kissed and hugged her.
” Mama..andito na kami..” We mustered to say in between sobs. And then my Dad asked everyone in the room to leave the family with her for a while so we could talk to her.
One by one we started talking while we held her hands.
” Di ba sabi mo magpapahinga ka lang dito? Dala na namin yung gamot mo ma… Uminom ka na..”
” Uhhh…” was all that she could say.
We had brought with us the medicine she was waiting for which were shipped to us the day before we set for this trip. Thanks to Camille, a friend and co-worker of my sister whose Mom was in the U.S. and gladly helped us buy the medicine which was not available in our country unfortunately. My Dad helped her to a few drops and told her to rest so we could talk again later.
I thanked her for all the help she has extended me most especially since i got married. For her love and support for me with what makes me really happy. When i needed something, i need not tell her. She would come knocking at my door and ask me what’s bothering me. And she would just smile… She would always smile… I told her how much i love her and how much it pains me to see her that way. I told her not to worry anymore and that i will take care of the family especially my dad and my youngest brother Lawrence. I assured her that i would look after him and would not turn my back on him. And though hard and so hurtful, i told her that if she wanted to rest her weary body, she can now do so without the worries about the family she was going to leave. I just hugged her so tight and cried my heart out.
At around 5:30pm she was breathing heavily so we decided to bring her to the hospital. We got there at around 6:00pm and by 1:20am of New Year’s eve, she silently went and i could swear i heard her whisper as if the wind blew her voice to my ear, ” Mahal na mahal ko kayo..”
It was heart-breaking. It was as if my heart was minced and diced into tiny pieces and would pop out my rib cage. So agonizing that i couldn’t even find the right word to describe how it really felt. The whole thing was so painful I wouldn’t wish it upon someone else. And again i just prayed.
” Please Lord, give me the strength, i need to keep the family together. Please heal our hearts and minds and give us the courage to move on with our lives without Mama. Please watch over my sisters especially my little brother. Please make things alright for each and everyone…”
It has been two months since we lost her and yet, it feels as if she’s still here. Watching over us from a distance telling us she loves us and she would frequently talk to me through my dreams. I miss Mama so much. I would always talk to her and still cry to her whenever grief wraps me or if i have troubles worrying me. I would still tell her everything and i pray. And then after that, it’s as if every pain and worries i have would suddenly disappear. It’s as if my Mama had given me a big hug and assured me that everything’s going to be alright.
Now, i go through everyday with a strength that only Mama could give me. The assurance that she will always look after me and love me even if i haven’t been the best and nicest person and wouldn’t criticize me if i make a couple of wrong moves in my life. This experience has definitely increased my faith in Him. I know that He is with me and will uphold me with His righteous hand. I shouldn’t fear for as it is said in Matthew 7:7,8..” Ask and you will receive; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks will receive, and anyone who seeks will find, and the door will be opened to him who knocks.”
My mother’s death gave me more reason to live and look forward to tomorrow. There will be so many obstacles to hurdle alright, but through prayers i know i will be able to fulfill the reason why i am here today. I know i will…My Mama has. After all, what i need to do is ask, don’t I?
This goes to friends and people out there who have been wrapped in sorrow with the death of a loved one. I’ve been there and it wasn’t easy. But we should remember that death isn’t the end of everything. I think it’s a sign from God that now is a good time for a fresh new start. Life is short and whatever time we have left in this world, we ought to make the most of it for we only go through this way once and there’s no going back.
I used to think God was sometimes far away from me when i need Him most. But even my three-year-old daughter helped me change that belief.
” Mommy, nasa heaven na si Lola Cecille kasama si Papa Jesus..”
After all, while i waited for my hurts to heal, i was never alone. He was with me even when i did not recognize His presence.
…Dear Lord, there are times i am tempted to think you have abandoned me. Yet those are the times You are the closest. When grief wraps me in pain, I cannot always feel Your presence. Please lift the shroud of my grief and let me know You are near. Amen…
