NEED A LAUGH?
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the ‘torment of staying calm’ while these exchanges were actually taking place. It’s worth reading to the end!
> >>>> ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
> >>>> WITNESS: July 18Th.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: What year?
> >>>> WITNESS: Every year.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of
> >>>> the impact?
> >>>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok’s.
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect
> >>>> your memory
> >>>> at all?
> >>>>
> >>>> WITNESS: Yes.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your
> >>>> memory?
> >>>> WITNESS: I forget.
> >>>> A TTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example
> >>>> of something
> >>>> you
> >>>> forgot?
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living
> >>>> with you?
> >>>> WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t
> >>>> remember
> >>>> which.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
> >>>> WITNESS: Forty-five years.
> >>>>______________________________________
> >>>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
> >>>> said to you
> >>>> that
> >>>> morning?
> >>>> WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
> >>>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
> >>>> WITNESS: My name is Susan.
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a
> >>>> person dies in
> >>>> his
> >>>> sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next
> >>>> morning?
> >>>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
> >>>>
> >>>> ________________________________ ____
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
> >>>> twenty-one-year-old, how old is
> >>>> he?
> >>>> WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.
> >>>> ________________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
> >>>> taken?
> >>>> WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
> >>>> was August
> >>>> 8Th?
> >>>> WITNESS: Yes.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
> >>>> WITNESS: Uh….
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
> >>>> WITNESS: Yes.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
> >>>> WITNESS: None.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
> >>>> WITNESS: By death.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
> >>>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a
> >>>> beard.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
> >>>> pursuant to a
> >>>> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
> >>>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to
> >>>> work.
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have
> >>>> you
> >>>> performed on
> >>>> dead people?
> >>>> WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on
> >>>> dead people.
> >>>> ______________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be ‘oral’, OK?
> >>>> What school
> >>>> did you
> >>>> go to?
> >>>> WITNESS: Oral.
> >>>> _____________ _________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you
> >>>> examined the body?
> >>>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
> >>>> WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table
> >>>> wondering why I was
> >>>> doing
> >>>> an autopsy on him!
> >>>> ____________________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine
> >>>> sample?
> >>>> WITNESS: Huh?
> >>>> ____________________________________________
> >>>>
> >>>> And the best for last
> >>>>
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the
> >>>> autopsy, did you
> >>>> check for
> >>>> a pulse?
> >>>> WITNESS: No.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
> >>>> WITNESS: No.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
> >>>> WITNESS: No.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient
> >>>> was alive
> >>>> when you
> >>>> began the autopsy?
> >>>> WITNESS: No.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
> >>>> WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my
> >>>> desk in a jar.
> >>>> ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been
> >>>> alive,
> >>>> nevertheless?
> >>>> WITNESS: Well, I guess it’s possible that he
> >>>> could have been
> >>>> alive
> >>>> and practicing law.
